Lock In
“I feel bad flirting with him if he’s looking for a wife… I’m not ready for that it’s too much pressure.” Girl, I will marry a 30-year old at 50 if I have to. I’m not “looking for a wife.” Shut the fuck up. You know who reads these bullshit essays? Not just college seniors. Moms and dads of college seniors. And they like the sound of w-i-f-e. You’re not ready to settle down. I’m not ready to settle down. And even though our parents read it everyday in the New York Times that people are getting married later there turtle brains still associate college with finding the one. So if I want to keep these fucking posters up and not get scrutinized every time I walk into a restaurant bar tchochke store for ordering a tea and sitting there knitting old people need to think I am imminent husband material. They can’t even tell my age anyway - they think I’m fucking 25. But when they do find out I’m 32. It doesn’t hurt for them to hear I haven’t had sex in 7 years. “Oh, wow. Good for him getting back out there. It’s so hard after a divorce.” I’m not fucking divorced, okay? I’ve been locked the fuck in for the past 8 years staring at my computer and have finally decided to lift my eyes from the screen and see what’s out there. I’m not looking for “the one”, okay? You think I want to put that fucking pressure on you? I don’t want that pressure on me, either. But I have to play that character if I want people in a small town who got married at 23 not to treat me like shit. So now that we’re on the same page, ask yourself, do you feel “bad” flirting with me, or do you feel pressured? Because here’s the deal: I will be fine without you. And you’ll be fine without me. But if you think there’s a bit of magic in the scarcity and urgency of 1) a small town and 2) the last term of your college experience what say we waste some of your precious remaining days here on frivolous bullshit like walks, coffees, and reformer pilates? When they said it gets easier to date after the stress of college is over they were fucking lying to you to make you feel better. I’m an engineer. I don’t lie. You have 10 weeks left of the easiest dating experience you’re ever gonna have. Let’s fucking go, swiftie. Lock the fuck in. We are not out of the woods yet…
if you find me dateable seek help. → or join the run club at therunclub.org.
